ARE YOU RAPTOR PROOF? (MUST READ)

I am passing on this guide to raptor proofing your home, school or place of work to ensure you, my dearest friends, will no longer be threatened by the rapidly increasing raptor population.

Please read through these steps to ensure you are raptor proof, and do not take these warnings of the rapidly increasing raptor population lightly. RAPTOR PROOF YOUR HOME ASAP.

Step 1. Securing Doors:
REMOVE ALL door HANDLES as the raptor can easily manipulate these to get inside your building and eat you. Purchase several doorknobs to replace the handles, raptors cannot operate these because they lack opposable thumbs.


Step 2. Windows:
Remove glass panel windows and replace them with polymethyl methacrylate (plexi-glass) panels. These have a significantly higher impact resistance than typical glass. When raptor proofing your house, remember that if you can see a raptor, it can see you, but it cant claw its way through good, solid, plexi-glass.


Step 3. Securing the perimeter:
The first two steps focus on protecting the building itself, but what of the perimeter? it is imperative to keep raptors as far away from you as humanly possible. To secure the perimeter, we will use a combination of passive obstacles, active obstacles, and shotguns. Consider fencing off the perimeter with chicken wire or razor wire. Now we will be planting land mines in a grid-like pattern like so:







Note the safety zone, it is imperative to leave an escape route in the likely event that your base is overrun by raptors. This covers both passive and active obstacles, now for the manual firepower. I recommend the Benelli M4 Super 90 semiautomatic shotgun for handling the more cunning (CLEVER GIRL!) raptors that have bypassed your other defensive measures.


Step 4. Provisions:
In the highly unlikely case that the raptors mount a 6-12 month siege, provisions must be stocked to stave off hunger and keep your base up and running. Provisions should be canned, non perishable, consisting of approximately 35% beer, 30% beans, 20% pizza rolls (be sure to can the pizza rolls), 40% milk (Canadians make sure to get bagged milk), 28% campbells tomato soup, and 4% corn (canned of course). Store several tons of these provisions underground in a refrigerated, fatty-proofed room (fat chicks are for bait, not for keeping around in the event of a siege).


Step 5. Plan B:
Certain raptor-man battles are un-win-able. While it is difficult to accept, you may be required for the good of our species, to sacrifice yourselves in the event that the raptors do bypass your defences and overrun your base. If they are in your base, killing your d00ds, the only course of action is the activation of a hydrogen bomb strategically placed in an inconspicuous location (just stick it in a water heater). This may seem extreme, but consider this. If your base does fall to raptors, imagine the consequences, should the raptors acquire your provisions and weapons.





In the event that your base is NOT raptor proofed, here is what it would look like:





Step 6. Raptors in the internet:
As many others have pointed out, the raptors have figured out how to get onto int4rwebz. This presents a problem. Computers could be essential for maintaining security in any well fortified dwelling. If there is a computer near or around you, beware. The raptors could jump out at any time and gobble you up. This is a not a good thing. Below is a depiction of what might happen:





Please, do your best to keep your base raptor proof. Thank you for your time.